Domestic abuse is always about power and control
… Red Flags” Of An Abusive Personality:
… 2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions…” – Cantara Safehouse
John Piper is at it again. He is vehemently denying that Complementarianism can ever be complicit in the abuse of women.
Even before we go to Piper, I want to compare a definition of complementarianism to the definition of domestic abuse at the start:
“Complementarianism holds that “God has created men and women equal in their essential dignity and human personhood, but different and complementary in function with male headship in the home and in the Church.” – Duncan, Ligon
The first part – before the word “but” is asserted by egalitarians too, and as such is not what Piper speaks about when he opposes egalitarianism. Basically, complementarians say leadership, or control, belongs to men. If abuse is always about power and control, and controlling behavior is a red flag for an abuser, complementarianism is a red flag for abuse.
But let us hear Piper in his own words.
First, note that he does not define abuse. In fact, I never heard one complementarian actually deal with the link between control and abuse. (As an aside, if any complementarian leader ever starts out by mentioning the link between the two issues, and then discuss how complementarianism can or cannot be called complicit in calling men to be controlling, please tell me where! I am very curious to see them handle the elephant in the room.)
At 1 minute and 20 seconds, he says:
25 “We not only say: ‘Humans do not treat humans that way’, but ‘men don’t treat women that way’…”
Firstly, please bear with me if I get very literal. (Hey, I’m autistic. I take things literally. It is better than cleptomaniacs, who take things – literally.) He is wrong. Men do treat women that way. Not all men, of course, but too many of them. In fact, whether you define abuse as control, or as giving your partner physical injuries, more men than women do it.
I realized he meant it as a form of shaming. He meant shouldn’t where he used don’t. The same way other boys in high school would shame a boy who does not (falsely) brag about (alleged) sexual prowess, he wants to shame men who abuse women.
However, most men are less influenced by peer pressure now than they were in high school, and he is probably not the cool kid in most circles. (To be fair, there are a few theological seminaries where he is regarded as one of the “cool kids”. That is why I would love if he really speaks out against abuse. But I digress.)
Ultimately, messages like: “(Real) men should not abuse women” is less effective than “(real) men should control/ be the heads of women“, for a simple reason. Manhood, to be anything, must be different from something else, in this case from womanhood.
“Men should not abuse women” would be a special male assignment if women had the right to abuse men. Women do not, so it is not. “Men should control/ be the heads of women” is an assignment if women are not supposed to control/ be the heads of men. By complementarian theology, women are not, so it is.
“…It is written on your soul, man. You are a wicked, unmanly person if you do that. Complementarians are the only people who can talk that way.”
Complementarians may be the only people who talk that way, but it is a very ineffective way of talking: Your average baby, child, or woman do not abuse a woman. The majority of people who do abuse them are men. Why would an abuser believe his behavior is not manly, if it is more common in men than in women and even supports male “headship” – which Piper endorses?
1:50 “It makes for beautiful and safe and flourishing relationships.”
When I heard the word “safe” in there, my mind immediately returned to the second red flag for an abusive personality:
“CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety…”
When I heard flourishing, I smiled because it is such a typical Piper adjective. I don’t think I ever hear anyone else say it, except him on complementarian relationships.
But my favorite part is about 25 seconds into the video:
“Complementarianism stood in the gap between (gesturing with his right hand as far right as it can go) abusive, dominating, patriarchalism and egalitarianism (gesturing with his left hand as far left as it can go) over here.”
I actually believe him here. Egalitarianism is as far as can be from abuse! He actually made our point for us. Thank you for that, John Piper!