Does marrying really have the benefits it is hyped to have?

Many people, especially on the conservative side, can’t keep silent about the things they regard as the benefits of marrying: On average, they say, married people are happier and richer. Their children achieve more in school. Married men are less likely to commit violence, and married women to be victims of domestic violence. Married couples stay together longer than cohabiting ones.

I suggest that their data is almost 100% correct – but it does not mean what the marriage advocates conclude it does. It does not mean that I set myself up for failure and unhappiness by not marrying, nor that her divorce is the reason a particular woman I care about is poor. Most of all, it doesn’t mean an abused woman have to stay with the dad “for the sake of the children”.

Instead, I suggest it works the other way round: If certain good qualities are present in a particular partner and a particular relationship, the people involved are more likely to marry, and more likely to stay married.

You see, most people – those who marry and those who do not – make their decisions based on the information they already have about their partners. If women, for example, see signs that their partners are abusive, they will be less likely to marry these abusive men. But if they see the men are kind and good, these same women would consider marriage. This will cause statisticians to say that married women are less likely to suffer from domestic violence than unmarried ones. But it absolutely doesn’t mean that even one abusive male on the planet stops being abusive when he marries.

By this same phenomenon, a woman will be less likely to marry a man she knows is a criminal, or suspects is capable of crime. This means criminals are more likely to be single men, but it doesn’t mean that marrying will deter a bloke from committing a crime.

If married people are less likely to be poor, there are probably several reasons contributing to it. Among them are these three: * Women, especially, are unlikely to marry an unemployed man or a man who can’t make ends meet, and both sexes seem more likely to divorce when there is financial problems. * Two people living together can live slightly more cheaply than two living separately. (My article won’t investigate this particular fact.) * Both sexes seem, from the stories I heard of why people end their relationships, to seriously distrust and often choose to leave partners who are unwise with money and make impoverishing decisions about debt and spending.

For an example of how this may work out, your friend may leave a woman who financially ruined him, while another friend with the same income level stays married to a woman whom he can trust with the couple’s money. This will add to the statistic of married people being richer than single ones. However, it does not mean your friend would have been better off if he never divorced.

If children whose dads are at home fare better in school, on average, than those whose dads are not, it may not mean the woman who divorce is harming her children: These children’s dad may not be the sort of person they would have been better off with – and the woman whose husbands are good role models may be more likely to stay married.

You may have a son or daughter who is in a live-in relationship. Based on your values, you may pressure them to marry. But your son or daughter probably sees things in the partner – or the partner sees things in your adult child – which makes them reluctant to marry. If you get the couple to the altar, those qualities won’t suddenly change.

In short: A happy marriage is undeniably one of the greatest things any man or woman can have. But don’t judge people who divorce or stay single. And do not pressure us to marry or stay married. We may not have, or ever had, the prospect of a happy marriage.