Because Christianity is bigger than Biblical manhood or Biblical womanhood (Blog of Retha Faurie)

(This article was originally written in February for another blog with much higher traffic than mine. But it appears that the blog does not plan to use it, so I publish it here.)

It is Mothers’ Day. At the front door of my church, two ladies are giving out a little card to each mother passing to enter. I approach the door. Loudly, the one tells the other: “Don’t give one to her. She’s not a mother.”

On face value, that is just another true statement. But her intonation and facial expression said: “… and I am deeply suspicious of someone like her.” Perhaps it even meant: “How could a woman not want to be a mother?”

I am not a mother, because I could not find a husband, and I find the idea of choosing to have children alone and to raise them alone not in the best interest of children. Two loving parents remain ideal when raising children.

And the church should take at least part of the blame for me still being alone. They taught me husbands should be spiritual leaders. I, who loved the Lord and spent a lot of time doing Bible study, thus ignored the interest shown by any young man who does not show evidence of working as hard for the Lord and understanding the Bible better than I do. How could such a man lead me spiritually? (I am over those “he must be the spiritual leader” ideas now, but I am still single.)
Here are a few things I experienced less than positively as a single woman in the church.

Not so good: When the church has a four-sermon series on consecutive Sunday mornings, preaching about (complementarian) marriage. What about the children, widows, divorcees and never-married people attending sermons? Would the pastors ever ignore married people to make the theme, four sermons in a row, Christian widow-hood? Or ignore every church member of another age for weeks, preaching about how to live as a Christian in high school?

Worse: The general feeling, when speaking to church ladies, that I am not one of them, that I do not belong among them. Is the church not supposed to be a family? And even though I may not be like most of the other sisters in this family, I need my brothers and sisters at least as much as anyone else does.

Really bad: Unasked for advice about singleness.

“Don’t settle for second best.”


“If you just pray and trust the Lord, he will give you a husband. (In many churches, there are up to three women in the church for every two men. I seriously doubt that, if all Christian women prayed for Christian husbands, God would give every one of them a husband.)

“Young woman, you should wait for a good Christian man.”

“Don’t pursue men. Live your life. Study. Do what your hand finds to do. He will come along when the time is right.”

“Pursue men. You can’t just sit around and wait for them to come to you.”

“Men don’t like strong, independent women, you feminist! It’s because you live a happy, independent life that men don’t want you!”

“Men don’t like dependent women. Learn to be complete in Christ.”

The “settle and have kids” type sometimes back up their advice by introducing me to a slightly mentally handicapped guy* who lives in a back room in somebody else’s yard. (“Hey, Retha, Jack is also single like you! See? There is already one thing you two have in common.”)

Downright ugly: Gender role doctrine. “God wants everyone to follow their biblical gender roles,” say the proponents of complementarianism.

Okay. What is my biblical gender role as a single woman? I cannot submit to a husband or raise my children well?” I ask.

They do not answer. The message seems to be: “Well, everyone has gender roles. But you, Retha – you are not part of everyone. Am I unreasonable if this makes me feel excluded?

Even worse is the “Christian” patriarchy side of complementarianism (Complementarianism and “Biblical” patriarchy are not two separate things, but related like brown is related to the color of mud). These people can tell me what my “gender role” is, according to them. But their “role” is ridiculous (Stay with my father? He does not even want me there!) and certainly not taught in the Bible. Their “role” is downright offensive and shows hardly any overlap with Bible teaching, wisdom, justice or the gifts God gave me.



*slightly mentally handicapped guy: I believe that the mentally handicapped deserves respectful treatment and patience as much as anyone else. But if a man cannot share responsibilities, but is another “child” to take care of – I have no desire to have said man as a spouse. The two mentally handicapped men that were thus introduced had no interest that I could discern in caring for anyone beside themselves (this is not a characteristic of all mentally handicapped people) either, which made them much less attractive regardless of intellect.

Comments on: "On being single when the church values marriage: My own experience" (12)

  1. borninbrooklyn said:

    Even worse … When a Christian woman has a traditionally male occupation which is highly esteemed by the community and has no children.


  2. Thanks for this post. I am married (20 yrs) but do NOT have kids, and I relate to many of the frustrations that singles in the church face.


  3. I remember that well. In my 30s, I finally found a church where singles were nearly a majority–and finally found a home. It was impossible to skew things toward family life. I read a great book called Quitting Church, by journalist Julia Duin. One of the reasons people leave the church is they are both ostracized as singles but also not helped to find a mate. Other religions are much more pro-active and helpful with that. So many mixed messages to single Christians, as you put so articulately.


  4. borninbrooklyn said:

    I have been a Christian since I was 15. I am a physician and a med school professor. I am married but we have no children – by choice. No one at church is anything more than superficially friendly.


  5. I am surprised someone in those churches didn’t try to equate you with a widow…

    Do you know if this mindset was this prevalent in the church in the early eighteen hundreds?


  6. Nick Bulbeck said:

    Full disclosure: I’m married with children. Though I wasn’t always, of course. And I had an analogous problem from church leadership (though not from my friends in the congregation) when I was unemployed; I didn’t fit the mould, you see, because the church taught a moderate version of the so-called prosperity gospel. So there was a constant drip-drip-drip of comments and “advice”, most of it irrelevant and stupid, as proved by the fact that when I finally got a decent job it was by vigorously ignoring all the advice and pronouncements of the church leadership.

    If you’re single, widowed, divorced, or whatever, it seems to me that the challenge is less to find a spouse than it is to find a congregation of believers who will welcome you as you are, believe in you, and spur you on to good deeds in a manner that is meaningful to you. So how about morphing “If you just pray and trust the Lord, he will give you a husband.” into: “If you just pray and trust the Lord, he will give you proper supportive fellowship”.

    That, too, may be a big prayer.


    • Thank you, Nick. I think I just found one. I left my previous congregation in the middle of March (long story), and I like the new one I’m at. I don’t make friends quickly, but I feel welcome where I am.


  7. […] Church Ministry Source- Google Blog Search- church singles ministry […]


  8. Hang in there.I’ve been single my whole life. But a raised and practicing christian.Your right when people offer unasked for advice,it makes you feel more nervous he’s not coming more! And the numbers a r e stacked against us,even in the outside world,there are more women per men.Why do so many of them think*they’ll get away with being their own gods and will just pick a girl,when their timing is right (usually old,loosing looks or sex drive faze) who will just have to put up with what they are. It’s sad,then I’ve heard millions by now men past 40 over the years puzzled why they’re alone when they gave their energy to one bad one they picked early on or chose to sleep around until 40,,well not my problem,that was your choice.


  9. Thank you for posting this experience of unwelcome single people feel with all the passive aggressiveness typically directed to those that are outside a box. Single people are scary for a number of reasons; if the patriarchy thinks the only good woman is a married woman that is controlled by some bro then running around making your own decisions as directed by the Holy Spirit that is present in single women too disrupts the patriarchy mindset. Secondly those women that are lived in total subjection to they tyrants that the male headship lordship doctrines seem to unleash you aren’t paying the dues they pay–thus, second class.

    I’ve found to “fit in” to those types of churches you have to divorce your brain, bake the cookies and keep silent in a corner dressed in a spiritual burka. To actually belong, where you are wanted, needed and valued as a contributor to the body of Christ (as a single woman) I’ve given up on the idea and quit church altogether. I run outside church circles where I am the evangelical in the crowd yet find for more acceptance outside of the male driven institution. These kind of thoughts, spoken out-loud make those every gallant spiritual men want to hit me and get very verbally abusive….


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